The Second Arrow
what is it, why do we do it, how do we stop, what else can we do?
Hi! I mention the concept of the Second Arrow remarkably frequently with my clients, and usually scramble to find whatever Google has decided is the top result that particular day before sending them recommendations for further reading. In sharing this newsletter, I can explain (my understanding of) it in a way that will more likely speak to ‘my people’, and share some references for spaces where you may find other explanations and examples of it. After the paywall, I will share some of my own personal experiences with it, as a way to keep the pro and personal at least somewhat separate - and if you’re a paying member, THANK YOU for helping me to keep this show on the road.
OK, so what is the Second Arrow? It’s a buddhist concept, taken in some spaces to differentiate between pain and suffering, and also used in mindfulness, meditation and inner work to explore where we are getting in our own ways, where we are making things worse / harder for ourselves.
Essentially, the first arrow is something we can’t necessarily control (because we can only control our own actions, right?!): a tough medical diagnosis, a harsh word, a sticky situation at work, a conflict, a breakup, a genocide, a death, a flashback etc. We will often (very understandably) feel angry or sad or some other less pleasant, deemed ‘negative’ emotion in response to that first arrow of a trigger, and this is entirely normal, human, legit, fair, fine.
The second arrow, though, is where shit gets tricky. It’s where we tend to make it all about ourselves. Where we turn to blaming and wishing, thinking about that cigarette we smoked at 17 and speculating if that caused the cancer, fretting about the way we held that boundary three weeks ago and wondering if that caused the breakup, telling ourselves we’re “too much” and THAT’S why our boss/partner/neighbour/rando on the internet is mad at us (in our heads, at least). The second arrow is where we have a response to the first arrow, but we’re shooting ourselves this time. We’re likely to ‘should’ ourselves a lot, really turning up the dial on the negative self shit-talk.
How do we recognise the Second Arrow? It’s often a lot easier to recognise the second arrow in others before we can see it in ourselves. The words I highlighted in the paragraph above are usually good giveaways - the blame, the guilt, the questioning, wishing, wondering, speculating, fretting, overthinking, ‘shoulding’. Pay attention to the language others use when they’re talking about their responses / reactions to an unpleasant or unwanted experience, and you’ll often be able to hear the ways they’re piling on the suffering. Then start listening to yourself, keeping an eye and ear out for your own arrows.
Why do we do it? Well, if we didn’t get any benefit (however much that’s perceived, imagined, fleeting) from it, we wouldn’t do it. So what are some of the potential benefits? Again, I’ll talk more about my personal experiences after the paywall, but it can be a way to distract ourselves from the pain of the first arrow, to lash out (at others or ourselves) and blame for the negative experience of first arrow, to reinforce a pre-existing negative belief that we are just so [insert harsh descriptor here], sometimes even to give ourselves a proxy pain to work through, because the initial one just is too big or new or different to deal with.
How do we stop it? I mean … with non-linear levels of difficulty and consistency, I’m afraid. I’d love to offer a quick fix for the entirely reasonable price of one … million … pounds (with a massive 99% discount for my special community) but that would not be fair. I can, however, work on it with you 1:1! Interested? Book in a quick, free, no-strings chat! But essentially, we notice how to clock it, we notice our ‘tells’, the specific words we use when talking to or about ourselves, we notice if we tend to be more “oh this is so unfair” or “oh i’m so stupid” (or for the fun party freaks, both at once!), we get to know ourselves and our arrows with - crucially - compassion and patience. Then we can explore what we’re getting out of the second arrows, and learn to redirect towards navigating and looking after the first. Then we practise and succeed, and practise and struggle, and practise and give up, and practise and succeed again.
What else could we do? Well, we could try not shooting more arrows at ourselves given how many initial arrows so many of us are taking on a daily basis anyway. Have you ever tried to just not, though? It’s pretty fucking hard. SO. We bring in some other things, because variety is the spice of life and also without diversity we die. If the whole house of cards is resting on one thing (alcohol, weed, societal approval, socio-economic status, having visible abs, feeling needed, having excellent aim and execution with our own second arrows …) then it’s problematic. Let’s learn to share the load. We could try: regular journaling, body scans, emotional scans, using feelings wheels, daily check-ins with non-judgemental loved ones, introducing ‘downloads’ (or ‘dumps’ if you’re nasty) as part of transitions throughout the day, redirecting blame and finding compassion, inner child work, self and community care. We can also work on all these things with coaches, psychologists or therapists. Hello. I would love to work on this with you. Get in touch, please.
Before I move into personal mode, here are some other explanations and explorations you may enjoy:
I really hope this was helpful to you! Please let me know what it brought up in the comments.
With love and gratitude -
Jo <3
